Ever Worry You’re Just Too Much?

Writers are generally curious people. We want to pose questions, find solutions, change the debate, and open new perspectives. It’s what we’re drawn to.

Sometimes the results are gratifying and other times, they can be downright terrifying, not just to our readers but to ourselves.

Nothing illustrates this more than my latest project, where my curiosity led me to some dark and perverse places.

It’s not my habit to write this way — usually, I let other artists drown in their dark pools while I merely dip a toe in.

This time, I dove in headfirst.

I’ve always been fascinated by the dark side of life. I’m drawn to villains even more so than heroes. Yet, I usually write up to the edge of darkness and then retreat, which is probably why I haven’t been satisfied with my work.

Taking the advice of my peers, I decided to embrace my dark side fully. I didn’t expect it to shake me to my core leaving me wondering what kind of person I am.

Ironically, the measurement of my newly found depravity comes in the form of colorful pads of sticky notes, each color representing a different arc of researched destruction.

At the top of each sticky note and written in my now seemingly serial-killer handwriting is a location, like ‘greenhouse’, and a list of everything I can think of that could be used to murder my characters.

Who knew plant care could be so deadly?

Purple, blue, green, yellow, and pink paper stacks of indoor hazards and outdoor carnage potentials lined up, ready to be dispensed, fill my desk.

And then there are the other stacks, the seemingly sedate rainbow-colored squares detailed with poisons at my disposal. Yikes!

The thought that keeps spinning in my head is, what kind of sick profession is this? Besides a hired hitman, who thinks like this?

Thriller and Horror writers, of course!

Another new facet of my writing experience is the music. I usually write in silence, the scratch of pens across notebook paper (I know, I know, archaic) or the click-clack-clack of my fingers tapping into my laptop as the hum and beat that guides me.

But since I started this project, I’ve collected morose music, a solemn playlist that sparks images of the gaunt, the goth, and the ghastly.

However, despite my full-fledged, card-carrying people-pleasing nature, what scares me the most isn’t the possibility of alarming my loved ones or even the thought of someone sending the cops for a welfare check.

What worries me the most is the fear that all this research and energy poured into writing might not pan out.

Now, that’s something that keeps me up at night.

What about you? Have you ever taken a writing direction that haunted you in the name of getting better? I bet you have!

Share your thoughts in the comments.